That's what clinging to a false belief that there is a meaning does to a person disillusioned that the hoped-for meaning is nowhere to find. There is no divine plan beyond day-to-day causality that is in plain sight, and there is no meaning beyond tautologies such as, the meaning of life is life itself, etc. And just as a side note, these are not speculations, but definitive answers known for thousands of years, which you can demonstrably arrive at as many before you did already.