Parenting and Enlightenment
This week I came across a comment made by a mother. The sentiment expressed in her words was very clear, “I don’t care about heaven, if my family is not there with me.” And that got me thinking that it is something which has to be addressed.
No matter what we believe — whether we are religious believers, spiritual seekers, or atheist philosophers — we tend to draw hard lines when it comes to our closest ones. We refuse to let go of our children, spouses, sometimes even parents, extended family, and so on.
We may subscribe to a particular path to knowledge, but once we are told to leave our families behind, and our offspring in particular, we firmly reject such idea. It seems absurd at best, immoral, irresponsible, cruel and asocial at worst.
However, if we want to know the absolute truth, there is no other way. The story of Abraham and Isaac presents this dilemma in no uncertain terms. There comes a moment when we must decide what is most dear to us, even if it means that the choice made will make our hearts bleed in either case.
You can read about the same in Matthew 10:37, “Anyone who loves their father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves their son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me,” and even the stories in Buddhist lore depict the same modus operandi.
For those of you unfamiliar with Buddhism, according to the legend, Siddhartha left his family the very evening when his son was born. Searching for, and eventually reaching, enlightenment, he was then absent for several years. Yet, after attainment of Buddhahood, he returned to them and, in the end, his wife Yasodhara as well as his only son Rahula, not only became his prominent disciples, but both of them also attained enlightenment.
And again, you can find the same “prescription” in shamanic and shramanic traditions. Despite the fact that this is a lot of the times used just as an excuse to evade the responsibility of being a parent or indulge in sexual desires and romantic infatuations (“twin flames” anyone?), leaving your loved ones behind is an essential, albeit a painful, step.
As I explained above, prioritizing the knowledge of the absolute above anything else is a must. After all, we always get what we wish for. For many parents this is, however, a total no-go. Particularly women, mothers with vivid memory of being one body with their children, have strong aversion to such measures. (Conversely, being one with our mothers before our birth has obviously not that strong of an impact.)
Yet, how do you expect to raise your children in any meaningful way, if you are not enlightened? You can certainly teach them to don’t respond to life’s challenges with violence, you may lead them to don’t lie or steal. You can educate them to be moderate in their behavior, and you can even make them feel bad for being envious.
However, the kid will soon realize that envy and lies can be hidden, theft and cheating can be concealed, and that one can get accustomed to violence, even use it to get one’s way in order to fulfill one’s desires. Your child will indubitably question, why they should behave morally when the world outside works in a way that condones all that behavior even if it leads to unnecessary pain. You will be asked, why is the world unfair.
What will you answer, if you don’t know yourself? What will you insist on when absolute truth is just a concept to you and your child can see you not walking the talk? You will be labeled a hypocrite, lose your authority one way or another, and all your efforts will, in the long run, end up working against you and your child. After all, every child is nurtured first and foremost by example and only then by sermons. You’ve simply got to have “street cred.”
Don’t get me wrong, even if you attain enlightenment, while the society at large is unenlightened, you will wage the same “wars.” But only steadfast permanent knowledge of the Absolute can give you a fixed point to be able to weather the inevitable storms of arguments, providing aid in correcting missteps in a constructive way without being overprotective or needlessly and unfairly accusatory, and being a role model worthy of emulation without you having any regrets.
But most importantly, you will understand that you can only hope and wait that your influence will stick and the imparted guidance will sprout some day, because your child will be your equal. De facto, not only in platitudes. (Though ironically, some kids do feel uncomfortable with such arrangement, because they perceive it as diminishing of protection — they clearly see that you won’t emotionally overreact or be triggered to knee-jerk reactions by perceived enemies confronting your child.)
All in all, if you don’t leave your dear ones behind to prioritize enlightenment, you won’t attain it, and you will raise unenlightened kids who will grow up to join and perpetuate an unenlightened society. And even if they manage to attain the knowledge of absolute, it will be despite of you, not thanks to your efforts. Though rest assured, at that point your kids will be genuinely thankful for things you’ve done for them.
Of course, I’m not saying that you should leave your home and hole yourself up in forest for a decade. There are more viable ways to pursue self-knowledge that allow you to be fully present with your family and don’t shirk your responsibilities even for a moment (which is, ironically, also more productive).
What I’m saying, though, is that you must leave everything behind, even your family, in order to become an individual. Only in this way the narrow way opens and the freedom becomes visible. And by now, it should be also clear to you, how to “be in heaven” with your family.
So, good luck.
