As seen on TV and internet

Sender Spike
4 min readJan 16, 2024

If humanity joined a hypothetical pan-galactic union today, our most notable export would be Oxymoron — a unique, properly oxygenated fool spouting nonsense for the amusement of bewildered aliens. “Don’t miss your chance and adopt your personal Oxymoron! Cheap for upkeep and known to be content even with being a slave — taa, daa, daa — it is cool to have your fool… Available only on planet Earth! (Product visage may vary.)” the ads would say.

Only yesterday I saw a meme that basically stated the somber fact that we live in a society of “work-buy-consume-die”, are aware of it, are terrified by it and don’t want it, and yet, most people do absolutely nothing about it (and no, even the infamous 1% are not exempt from it). Perhaps a starting point would be a realization that we all contribute to that particular social setting, thus, keeping it in place. In any case, the meme in question is the prime example of a general mindset of an Oxymoron.

Still, some particular examples warrant an extra mention.

I will always vividly remember the elderly pensioner with meticulously kept image of a rugged, but still en vogue, chap, who cried all day long for years on end about planetary shit finally hitting the fan while claiming that we can do nothing about it because our national governments are nonfunctional. Well, if that’s not a textbook example of shifting the responsibility, I don’t know what is. But perhaps the guy just wants the world to go up in flames so he can then claim, “See? I told you so.”

Then there was this lady who claimed that God, souls, and anything immaterial are simply energy while she was raving against physicalism. Yet, she completely missed the obvious point that just because energy cannot be seen it is not non-physical. Heck, even information is physical and, lo and behold, we cannot measure neither God, soul, nor anything immaterial. Quite predictably and for obvious reasons (and the reason is not that they are “immaterial”). Imagine what some unexpected gusts of air might have done to the minds and imaginations of our “pre-scientific” intuitive ancestors. Hilarious.

Or there was this guy who insisted that there is no outside, objective world while simultaneously believing in existence of objective ghosts outside of one’s mind. Truth be told however, to this day I’m not completely certain whether the fellow was really serious or just a sophisticated troll on a weird crusade — like, how dumb you have to be to miss the glaring contradiction?

I’m pretty convinced, those would be very sought-after specimen.

But still, the Deluxe and Pro versions of Oxymorons would be the philosophers of planet Earth. Wannabe as well as certified. Simply all who speculate about things they have no clue about. No matter the topic, but metaphysics and similar “intangible” subjects in particular. Logic, reason, even demonstrable facts be damned if they don’t fit the concept.

I’m certain that that particular kind of Oxymoron would leave any impartial, curious alien in stitches. I mean, it would be the aliens stumbling upon Earth and including us into the aforementioned pan-galactic union, not humans venturing toward stars, so it’s pretty expectable that those aliens would have to be rather knowledgeable. Hence, it goes without saying that, for those aliens, philosophers of planet Earth would amount to a pinnacle of absurd comedy. Or tragedy. Maybe both.

And I could go on and on: the hatred of ethno-cultural identitarians of any kind; the idiocy of religious and spiritual believers; the hubris of otherwise dimwitted engineers, academics, and basically anyone with above average intelligence; the surprising greed and megalomania of artists who without irony consider themselves the guardians of virtue; the universal blame shifting, constant hypocritical excuses, or victim mentality. You name it.

Frankly, human race as it is today is a lost cause. Then again, maybe we already live in an alien zoo, in which case we certainly serve as a deterrent example. Alien parents surely take their kids to Earth to show them how things should not be done. Or as the saying goes, the proof of intelligent life in Universe is that it still made no contact with us.

Jeez. But in any case, to make yourself more desirable, to boost your market value and increase the chances you will land in a nicer cage than you are in right now, you should seriously consider polishing your oxymoronic skills. That, or discard it all and stop being a moron. Oxy or another.

If you choose the latter however, be prepared to live in a panopticum of insanity for the rest of your life. Or at least until humanity en masse comes to its senses, though that starts to feel like waiting for Godot.


Over and out.