I finally get where you’re coming from (and where you are heading). Raynor C. Johnson was the key name — I found the article where you describe how you found his book. I also very briefly skimmed through the Fawcett’s Zermatt Dialogues. Though the events and names were for obvious reasons different, I went through a similar process with my own versions of “conversion”, primary authority, but also a fair share of dead-end valleys.

I lack the necessary details so what I will say may be completely redundant, but still…

If I may, I would strongly encourage you to pick up some form of meditation and personal inquiry (I assume your tradition contains some exercises of that kind). You can go only with meditation, but it’s a pretty arduous path and one has to become a master meditator to get to the “point” (essentially shut off the mind completely). Hence, standard Vedic “Who am I?” inquiry is a real time saver.

And one personal remark —in my case the final change happened when I departed from the “primary authority” (I must admit, I became fed up with the guy and with trying to fit my experiences into his framework). But I guess, it just happened to be the right time to “fly” on my own.

Anyway, good luck on your journey :)